


numbing agents

by goldenretrievers46



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms), Codependency, Coming Out, Epistolary, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired by The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Kissing, M/M, Pre-Canon, Recreational Drug Use, Reggie Peters Has Bad Parents (Julie and The Phantoms), Reggie needs a hug, Sexuality Crisis, Underage Drinking, commentary on mental health, minor luke/ofc, reggie keeps a diary in the 90s, they all do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29499165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenretrievers46/pseuds/goldenretrievers46
Summary: "Sometimes I wonder how much we’re all kidding ourselves about being happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many moments of genuine happiness, like when the band plays a show or the holidays come around or my friends and I have movie nights, but sometimes I notice these little things about the people around me- how they’re trying to numb their own individual pain. It’s weird though, they all do it in different ways. I guess they all have their own numbing agents."//a look into reggie peters' diary in the 90s, how he falls in love with his best friend, and maybe how he learns to love himself more, too.
Relationships: Bobby | Trevor Wilson & Alex Mercer & Luke Patterson & Reggie Peters, Luke Patterson/Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 56





	1. March '94

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I'm back with more jatp, this time in the form of an epistolary ruke fic from reggie's perspective. About a month ago I had kind of a shit day at school and I noticed all of the ways my friends were trying to make themselves feel better, and it just wasn't working for any of them. So I came home very sad and frustrated and channeled that into the first chapter of this fic, and I just couldn't stop writing it. It's been so fun and cathartic to live in reggie's headspace for awhile, and I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This is a disclaimer before you start though: the subject matter in this fic is pretty heavy. It deals with sexual content, homophobia, drug addiction, unhealthy home environments, and is set in the mind of a person who doesn't really deal with his problems in a healthy way. So if you think that reading about any of that will affect you negatively, please go find other works! In other news, I will be posting about two chapters a day, and I've already completed the story, so you don't need to worry about me abandoning it. The only other important thing to know is that I aged the boys up one year. So they would have graduated from high school in the spring of 95. It just worked better for plot reasons. Now, with all that being said, please drop a kudos and/or a comment with thoughts if you like this fic! I really enjoy reading everyone's opinions and take on the story. Happy reading!

Life Update, March ‘94:

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve tried to keep any type of journal. But so many things are happening in my life right now, and I feel the need to document them. Most of them are good things, but some of them, well. It’s not so great. It’s just little things, but I can’t get my brain to shut up when I’m trying to sleep at night, so I guess maybe I’m writing mostly to get some things off my chest. Certain things I’ve been thinking about lately, like...

Sometimes I wonder how much we’re all kidding ourselves about being happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many moments of genuine happiness, like when the band plays a show or the holidays come around or my friends and I have movie nights, but sometimes I notice these little things about the people around me- how they’re trying to numb their own individual pain. It’s weird though, they all do it in different ways. I guess they all have their own numbing agents.

For example, Luke’s numbing agent is sex. It really does make a lot of sense for him. I think that’s how he likes to communicate with people anyway. Not sex, I mean, but affection. Physical touch. From the time we were little kids, he was always so clingy. I didn’t mind it, the way he was always hugging me and holding my hand and pulling me everywhere with him. I remember the first sleepover we had. We were eight. He insisted on making a blanket fort in front of the TV and cuddling up together, and when I woke up, he was laying halfway across me. There was a drool spot on my shirt. And when we got older, the way we were supposed to touch changed, and I guess that’s around the time the popular boys in school started calling the “weird” boys faggots, so Luke didn’t take my hand in his when we ran outside for recess anymore. But we would wrestle and fake punch each other, and that’s when we started hanging out with Alex more, so he always participated in the roughhousing along with us. But when it was just the three of us, Luke would still lean his head on my shoulder, and when I slept over at his, someone taking the floor was never even an option. He likes to touch the people he cares about. I get it. It is nice to feel someone’s arms around your body. 

But back to what I was saying about Luke and sex. I think it’s no secret to anyone that Luke is charming. I mean, he never pays attention in class, but teachers still love him anyway because he knows how to talk to them just right. He’s persuasive too, that’s why he’s usually the one who wins the band gigs. So I guess being flirty goes along with that. When we were in elementary school, all the girls would always giggle and whisper to each other whenever he told a joke. I never got that reaction, even though my jokes were totally funnier than his. I always wondered why they liked him more, but then one day it all clicked and I realized that they all had crushes on him. 

Then in middle school, he was the first one of us to ever ask a girl out. Well, actually, I was the first one to ask a girl out. But Luke was the first to get one to say yes. Her name was Katelynn, and they went to a movie together, and the gossip around school the next day was that he’d held her hand through the whole film, and kissed her goodbye on the lips. Mind you, we were in sixth grade. That stuff was a big deal back then. I guess what I’m trying to point out is that girls have always liked Luke. And he’s always liked them. When we were fourteen, we started Sunset Curve, and that kind of gave all of us a bit more attention from girls, but for Luke especially. He learned how to do tricks with his guitar, and he would always wink at the audience while he sang. He’s the frontman, you know? So all of this kind of coalesces into what I’m talking about. 

Whenever Luke has a fight with his parents or has had a bad day, he always comes to the studio with teary eyes and collapses on his couch. The first few times, I tried to make him feel better by telling him it was all going to be okay, but he didn’t want to talk or be encouraged. I guess I can understand that. One time Alex was there when Luke showed up upset, and he didn’t even say anything to him. He just opened his arms and Luke ran into them and held onto Alex with such a grip I thought his knuckles were going to pop out of his skin. The next time, Alex wasn’t there. So I held Luke instead. And he clung to me just as tightly. I guess my hugs made him forget what was happening, at least for the moment. 

Then one time, Luke had a fight with his mom right before one of our shows. It was on the street stage during the fall fest, and we had a night slot. Our set was okay, I guess, but Luke poured himself into it probably more intensely than I’d ever seen him do before. He was cocky and confident and had the audience in love with us from the moment we played a note, and then he walked over to me and shared a mic with me, and there was this darker expression in his eyes, and I realized that I hadn’t had a chance to give him a hug yet. I guess I didn’t need to. 

I found him after the show crawling out of some girl’s car. His hair was all mussed and he was wiping his lips and there was a hickey on his neck, and all he said was that he’d fucked her and liked it. Alex rolled his eyes and asked Luke if he used protection and Luke rolled his eyes back and said yes of course, he wasn’t stupid, and Alex said that he begged to differ, and then they started bickering about other things, and while all of this was happening I realized that a random hot girl had been my replacement- at least in a way. It wasn’t like I could offer sex to Luke, but the concept was the same. Luke had needed to touch someone in some way, so he had. 

After that, he still let me hold him sometimes, but usually he was out hooking up with someone. We’d play clubs, and I’d find him in the back bathroom with his face between some girl’s tits. We would go to parties, and he’d get slightly drunk off of those terrible cheap beers the host supplied, and he was always immediately in the crowd, looking for a pretty face. Don’t get me wrong, we all had our fair share of fun at those parties, but Luke only had that dark expression in his eyes, the expression that meant he  _ needed _ to be touched, after he’d had a particularly bad week.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all this. It’s only that I wish he wouldn’t- or at least, that he wouldn’t for the reasons he is. I think sex is supposed to be special. You’re supposed to do it because you want to connect with someone, not because you’re hiding, or trying to feel something other than hurt. That’s why I wish he would let me hold him more- because touch is this special thing to him, and we have a connection. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten. He can come to me, you know? I think he’s just going to end up more hurt in the end if he doesn’t stop, because the one thing that he seeks in relationships won’t be special anymore. Instead it will just be like a drug, and I don’t want him to turn out like my dad, you know? When we play music, he comes alive again, and usually he’s just his bouncy self, but sometimes he’s quieter, and he starts to crack a bit, and he thinks no one notices, but I do. The others might too. I don’t really know. Tonight, after he hooked up with someone, he came back to the studio and poured over his notebook with that empty expression on his face. It wasn’t a bad lay, he said. It was just that his week was shit. 

So all of that supports my point. He uses sex to numb himself, but it never really works permanently, and I wish he’d rely on his friends more. I just couldn’t stop thinking about it tonight. He just looked so broken. That’s all. I think it’s time for me to sleep now. 


	2. April '94

Life Update 2, April ‘94-

I have some more things to get off my chest, I guess. With my friends, and it’s not Luke this time. Lately, I worry about Bobby. You know, it’s interesting the dynamic of our band. I’m so close with Luke, I mean, we grew up together, and then Alex came along in middle school, so the three of us are like best friends. But Bobby was just an acquaintance from Luke’s music class. We all barely knew him until we invited him to join the band. We all love the guy, but he’s more of a band member than a close friend, even now. So, I guess I just didn’t give him much mind beyond, wow he’s a super chill guy and a great guitarist. But lately, it’s hard not to worry about him. 

Bobby’s been getting high.

It’s not like I’ve never been high before- I have. I remember the first time Luke got his hands on some weed, and his parents were out of the house for the night, so we smoked it in his backyard and ended up all passed out in his living room. We all had a good time, enough to want to do it again, and we’ve gotten high together since then, but it’s never often, and it’s always for fun.

Bobby doesn’t really do it just for fun anymore, and he doesn’t just do it with us. He made some other friends at school, the ones that are known for being stoners, and I guess that’s his supply chain, too. Now when we all get high together, he’s the one who buys the weed, not Luke. I guess the first time I really noticed that he was using a lot was when he showed up to school stoned. He was weirdly anxious that day. He said he hadn’t slept either, so when he had to give his history presentation for class, he did worse than he normally would. 

See, in my mind, that’s not really the point of drugs. The first time Luke bought that weed, he’d wanted to try it because he thought it would enhance his creativity. And it had, and even since then he’s tried other stuff like acid and shit like that. And he always comes out of it with the coolest song lyrics, so I get it. It has a purpose to him. Alex will do anything to alleviate his anxiety for two seconds, so I get that too. And you can call me stupid but I always just did it because everyone else wanted to. But Bobby- well, I don’t know. He never really talks much about his home life. His parents are well-off, and they seem like kind people, especially compared with my parents, but I know that there have been some family issues with his older brother. And like I said, he never talks about it, and I’m not even sure that’s the reason. But sometimes I see him crack too, in the same way Luke does, and I can see this weird anger inside of him. He said he started meditating to relieve his stress. So I guess my point is that Bobby’s purpose for doing drugs is a little more dangerous- I think that’s his numbing agent. 

I remember after a show one night last summer, he went off with some other people and took some ecstasy tabs. He was really fucked up on it, it was bad. And we were in a public place with tons of people we didn’t even know, so he wasn’t even smart about any of it. I guess that’s what tells me it’s self destructive in a way too. 

I keep wondering what my numbing agent is. I’m sure I have one. I think it’s a little harder to figure out what it is when you’re yourself, you know? Regardless, I think it’s time for me to end this little journal entry. Maybe I’ll write again when I figure it out.


	3. April '94, Part 2

Life Update 3, April ‘94-

I still haven’t figured it out. My numbing agent, that is. But that doesn’t really matter, I guess, because a lot of other things have been happening. Big things. The other day, Alex told us that he was gay. I suppose it makes sense, in hindsight. He was always so awkward with girls, maybe even more than me, and that’s saying something. Of course you don’t have to be awkward with girls to be gay, but I guess it’s another piece of the puzzle that is Alex. But it wasn’t just the girls. Other stuff started to make sense, too. For example, he was always so nervous around Ryan Johnson when we were freshmen. Alex brushed it off as being intimidated by him, because he always had spiky hair and a really intense browbone and never took anyone’s shit. But now it’s obvious that Alex was attracted to him. And Alex told me that stereotyping is bad, but there must be some truth to it, right? What I mean is, Alex has always been the most feminine one of all of us. He wears pink and likes to dance and deals with his emotions like a girl. I’m not saying that makes someone gay, either, but it fits. Anyway, back to him telling us. It sort of came up in the conversation because there had been some stuff on the news about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. And Alex started getting really passionate about it, and then he sort of just told us that he was gay, too. Luke gave him a hug right away. I didn’t really know what to do in the moment, but then we all kind of had a group hug, and I told Alex that I was proud of him. 

He’s a bit nervous to tell his folks, I think. I guess I could understand why. The Mercers aren’t the most progressive people on the planet. 

I guess I never really expected to have a friend who was gay. I have a lot of questions for him, you know? What it’s like, and stuff. It kind of got me thinking about my own sexuality, too. I’ve always liked girls, and that was that, so I never thought about it too much. But I guess I can see the appeal of guys, in an abstract way. They can be hot. I’ve never liked a guy, or had a crush on one, but I wouldn’t be opposed if it was the right kind of situation, you know? I don’t really know if that has a label. Maybe I’m just straight and open minded. But anyway. 

All of this has got me feeling for Alex, I guess. This can’t be easy for him. His pain is a little more easy to notice than the others. He is constantly anxious about things, about being perceived as good enough. He’s been the most reserved of all of us to push the band further, but it isn’t because he doesn’t love the music. It’s just that he’s seen as his parents’ golden child, and he doesn’t want to lose that. I don’t blame him. He’s always making lists and working his ass off in school. I wonder if he would be that uptight if he didn’t have this big secret about his sexuality. Control what you can, right? Sometimes during band practice, he starts beating the shit out of his drums. He calls it anger management. I suppose those things might be better numbing agents than whatever Luke and Bobby are doing, even if it does mean he has panic attacks about his grades sometimes. 

I’m just glad he told us, to be honest. Now we can be there for him more, you know? 

In other news, Luke is going on an actual date this weekend. I hope it goes well. He deserves something nice.


	4. May '94

Life Update 4, May ‘94- 

School’s finally getting out. It’s so weird to think about being a senior next year, and the fact that we all have to make plans, and figure out where to go. As far as I’m concerned, we all want to stick to the band and make that our focus. I’ve been thinking about going to community college if the band isn’t getting anywhere, but, I don’t know. I don’t think my grades or SATs are high enough to get scholarships to pay for a nice four year school, even though my math score is pretty good. Plus I don’t really have anything I want to go for. I think Luke would murder me if that were my plan anyway, so it’s probably all for the best. 

My mom keeps talking about taking a vacation to Arizona with me and my younger brother this summer. My dad wouldn’t be invited, of course, because my mom is spiteful like that, and he’d probably have to work anyways. I don’t think I’ll go. My mom has always liked Emmett more than me anyways, and I wouldn’t want to intrude on their time. Staying home with my dad wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but I just know he’ll have all his work buddies over to drink and I’ll have to clean up after them the next day. It’s fine. 

As far as an update to my last entry, Alex still hasn’t told his parents. Like I said, I can’t blame him. Luke has been trying to set him up with the few other gay guys he knows, but Alex just brushes him off and says he doesn’t need a relationship right now. I guess since that’s how Luke tries to make himself feel better, he thinks it will help Alex too. It’s interesting how that works. I did get the chance to talk to Alex a little more about his experiences though, and ask him all those questions. He said it’s been hard for him to navigate as himself, since he grew up Catholic. When my parents used to go to church, we always sat in the pew across from his family. I always had a hard time paying attention to the priest, but Alex always seemed locked in. He usually is when someone’s speaking. Anyway, I asked him if he still believed in the church, even though the Bible says it’s wrong, and he said that he didn’t really know anymore. He said it was hard to not have that certainty about the world, but that it didn’t matter because at least he had certainty about himself, and he wasn’t afraid of who he was anymore. Then I asked him a little more about how old he was when he knew, and who he’d had crushes on, things like that. It turns out that he was thirteen when he realized it all in full, and that I was right about Ryan Johnson. He also told me that his first crush was Luke. 

It’s a bit weird to think about, but I’m honestly not very surprised. As I said before, Luke is charming, and fairly conventionally attractive. So, I asked Alex if he still liked Luke. Alex just shrugged his shoulders and said that he didn’t know if feelings ever really went away fully, but as Luke was straight, it didn’t matter. He also said that he likes being friends with Luke more than he would like to date him, and even if Luke was into guys, he probably wouldn’t pursue anything. He’s content in their current relationship now, and that is that. We ended up sharing a laugh over how effortlessly desirable Luke is and the way he sometimes throws sex eyes at the audience when he sees cute girls. After that, I left Alex’s place, got some pizza, and walked home alone. Now I’m writing to you!

Speaking of Luke, the date he went on did go well. Her name is Maya, and they’ve been together for the last month. She’s a very nice girl, and she’s very pretty. She plays bass and wears leather jackets and combat boots and smokes cigarettes, so she’s somehow effortlessly cool, too. Luke says it isn’t serious, but I can tell that he’s pretty into her. She’s a little more aloof about all of it. Luke said that she was iffy about making their relationship official. “I don’t date, I just have fun”, she told him. Despite all that, I can see that she really likes him too, and they  _ have _ been having fun. I don’t really think they’re gonna last very long, but I don’t think they think that either. I will be sad when they break up though. I’m really starting to like Maya. It feels like she’s part of the group now, and it’s been fun to have someone to talk about bass with. 

All in all, I’m glad Luke’s happy. It means he isn’t hooking up with girls when he’s sad anymore. He has Maya. For whatever reason though, I still wish he’d let me hold him instead. 


	5. June '94

Life Update 5- June ‘94

Alex told them. 

I’m not really sure what else to write, because I can’t even begin to describe how much this week has hurt, for all of us. 

On Monday after dinner, Alex sat his parents down, and he told them that he was gay. By 9pm, he was crawling through my bedroom window. His eyes were red and teary and there was a mark on his cheek and he collapsed into my bed. And he just cried. I’ve never seen him cry like that before. It was awful. For all that writing I did about how I wish my friends wouldn’t numb themselves, that’s all I wanted Alex to do. I couldn’t stand to see him in so much pain. I just let him cry and rubbed his back and tried to tell him it was all going to be okay, even though I knew it wasn’t. Then I called Luke and Bobby and told them what happened. Bobby was out of town, but he told me to tell Alex he loved him, so I did. Of course, Luke said he would be over as soon as he could. Once Luke got here, everything seemed a little easier. He isn’t always very good about people crying, and he gets awkward around them, but that didn’t seem to matter much. He just went over and scooped Alex up into a bear hug and put his hands in his hair, and Alex just kind of melted into it, and I realized that Luke really was the right person for this, because he knows how important hugs are. Then I joined them on the bed, and we all just kind of cuddled for a while and kept telling Alex we were there for him. 

Eventually, Alex cried himself to sleep, and Luke and I got up and walked down into my kitchen to talk. I’ve never seen Luke look so pissed off in my life. He kept muttering under his breath about how he was going to “fucking kill them in their sleep”. He was hungry, so he started making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I just watched him as his hands shook in an attempt to open the jars. Then, he whipped a butter knife out of the drawer and basically fucking mutilated the sandwich with it. He ate one bite of the sandwich while he was talking about how he couldn’t believe this was happening, and then his voice cracked around the words, and he broke down sobbing in my kitchen. I just let him fall into my arms. That’s when I kind of started crying, too. 

We shared our grief for Alex together that night. We didn’t have anyone but each other. We just stood there for a while, holding each other, and then eventually Luke calmed down enough to eat his sandwich, and I found him some blankets and a pillow, and he crashed on my couch. I went back upstairs to find Alex still sleeping, thank god. My brother came in and asked what had happened, and I told him. He just kind of nodded blankly and said Alex shouldn’t have expected any differently because no one likes gay people. Then I asked him what he personally thought, and he said he didn’t care as long as they stayed in their own space and didn’t shove it in other people’s faces. There wasn’t much I could really say to that, and I didn’t feel like arguing with him. He’s my parents’ favorite kid anyway, and I guess I do love him, but he’s also very insensitive sometimes. That’s probably why they like him more than me. 

The next morning when Alex woke up, I made him some hot cocoa and let him lay in my bed for awhile. Luke tried to ask him what had happened, but Alex’s face got all tight and he just said he’d talk about it when it hurt less. Very fair of him. 

He stayed at my house the next night too, but Luke went home. Parents orders, he said. He was unhappy with it, but he’d already been on their bad side lately, and he couldn’t risk it. I asked Alex what he wanted to do, and he just said he wanted to listen to music for a while, so I pulled out my stereo and let him rifle through my mixtapes and other cassettes. Then we watched some movies. He was so quiet. I’ve never seen him be so quiet before. It was like all the life had drained out of him. He’s always making sarcastic comments at me- they even border on mean sometimes, even if it’s all in good fun. And it was weird, but I missed them. It just wasn’t like Alex. 

The next morning, he went home. I didn’t really want him to, if I’m honest. I know what those marks on his cheek mean. I  _ know _ . One of his parents had slapped him clean across the face. It stings. But he just hugged me and assured me that he would be fine and that I’d see him at band practice this evening when Bobby got back. 

The good news is, he was at band practice, and he didn’t have any new marks on his cheek. As soon as Bobby saw him, he got up from his chair and ran over to Alex and gave him a hug, and Alex said thanks, but it was really flat and quiet. We all tried to ignore how weird the energy was in the room, so we started playing, and that’s when I knew how badly hurt Alex really was. We started out normally, but as we kept playing, Alex’s drumming got louder and louder, and he started playing off rhythm, which  _ never _ happens, and eventually he broke both sticks. So we stopped playing, and took the rest of our practice time to let Alex explain to us the situation with his parents. 

He explained how he got them all sat down because he had something to tell them, and how he finally found the courage to say “I’m gay”, because even though it was only two words, he was very nervous. He said his parents had gotten these confused looks on their faces, and told him that he had to be mistaken, that it was just a phase, or teenage hormones going wild, or bad influences at school. But Alex just kept saying he was gay, and he knew it for sure, and that it wasn’t because of any of those things. And then they got angry with him because he was “defiant” about it. I guess they realized that he didn’t want to try to change and become straight or whatever. So then Alex said they started yelling at each other across the living room, and his dad called him a bunch of names- fairy and queer and faggot and things like that- and Alex tried to explain that he didn’t really believe the Bible anymore, and that’s why he was okay with being gay. But the admission that he wasn’t a Christian anymore made them more upset, and then his mom started yelling at him about how he was choosing to live an abnormal lifestyle. Apparently she got really sad that Alex didn’t believe in the church anymore. And then it just escalated from there, and Alex said he got pretty spiteful after years of resentment building up, and his dad responded by hitting him across the face. That’s when he came to my house. 

Alex then explained that he talked to them about it when he went home, but it was much calmer. They aren’t disowning him or kicking him out at least now, but they want him to leave as soon as he graduates, and if he ever does get a boyfriend, he won’t be welcomed back in their house for holidays and things. Of course, if he changes his mind and decides to “renounce homosexuality”, they will welcome him back with open arms. Luke seemed to get really pissed again when Alex said that part. He called it manipulative. I’m inclined to agree. Bobby just turned to him and immediately offered the studio and his house as a place to live if Alex ever needed it. Then, he offered it to all of us. Luke ends up crashing there when he fights with his parents anyway, and Bobby knows that my situation isn’t the greatest either. I’m really starting to think of the guy like a brother, not just a bandmate.

Anyway, then we decided to watch a movie together- Alex’s choice- so we watched Grease. He’s a bit of a nerd about musicals. After that, we all went home. 

Now, I’m sitting here in my room, thinking about ways I could help Alex. It’s not like I can make his parents accept him. But, he really needs someone to build him up, you know? To tell him that he  _ is _ good at things. He’s such a perfectionist, it’s almost scary sometimes, so of course he’s that way about himself, too. Like I said earlier, I think a numbing agent is exactly what Alex needs right now. No one is meant to handle what he just went through. So, I’m going to be there for him. Friends’ honor. 


	6. July '94

Life Update 6-July ‘94

Now that I’m finally over my hangover, I can write about what happened last night over the 4th. 

But first maybe I should update you on what’s going on with Alex, since that was the topic of my last entry. Long story short, everything has stagnated with his parents. Alex said it was weird how quickly things went back to normal, or a weird quasi version of that. They all tried to act like nothing was wrong, but Alex says sometimes they make comments, allusions, things like that. His mom is a lot colder with him now, he says, and his dad no longer invites him out to their garage to work on cars. He says he misses it, but what’s done is done. So at least things haven’t gone to total shit. But I still try to compliment him whenever I can, just because he needs it, and he spends quite a few nights at my house these days, since my mom and brother are on their trip and my dad doesn’t care. The good news is, Alex seems happy now. I can see why. He doesn’t have to hide anymore. 

Anyway, over the 4th, we all got invited to a party at this guy Jeremy’s house. We played a gig alongside his band the other day, so I guess he thought we were cool enough for LA underground rock band party status or whatever. Luke brought Maya, Bobby brought this girl he’s been “talking to” named Elise, and then it was Alex and I. Jeremy must be a pretty rich guy, because his house sits along the beach, and there’s this big deck out the back that we all stood on to watch the fireworks. Anyway, once we got there we started to mingle, and Bobby disappeared in a whole different group of people almost right away. Luke and Maya also kind of went off on their own to meet with some of her friends, so it was just Alex and I standing rather awkwardly by the wet bar watching everyone talk. Then a couple of pretty girls found their way out of the crowd of people and decided to be wallflowers too, so I decided to talk to them, because why not. I’m not going to pass up a good flirting opportunity. So we got to chatting with them, and their names were Bethany and Alexis, and they said that they were also abandoned by their friends and didn’t know anyone else. It was actually a fun conversation, and after awhile Alexis started flirting back, and I kind of wanted to go off with her, but I also didn’t want to totally abandon Alex. But then Luke and Maya came back and the six of us shared some drinks and just laughed together. It was nice. Then the night wore on and they turned the music louder, so we sang along and started dancing with everyone else. Then they played a slow song and I danced with Alexis and we flirted more and then she kissed me and we went into the hallway and started making out. So we did that for a while, and then we went back to the party because the fireworks were starting. Bobby finally found his way back to us. He was high on weed- which, not surprising- and Elise looked pretty out of it. She must have not been to many parties before. 

What happened next was one of the happiest times I’ve had this year. We were all standing on the deck, bonfires lit across the whole beach, and someone tossed me a sparkler. It was very shiny. And then Maya came over to me and gave me a hug and smiled at me and said she was glad to be my friend, and Luke looked at me like he was finally content, and his eyes just shone. Like they were glowing. And Bobby laughed and threw his arms around Alex’s shoulders and Bethany and Alexis finally found their friends so we were all one big group of kids. And the fireworks started going off, and I just felt so full of love and joy and maybe it was the alcohol, but it was the company too. Life was good. 

So then we got a ride back to the studio because we were all drunk, and the six of us sat around talking for a while before we all kinda passed out. 

When I woke up, Elise had left to go to work, Bobby was still passed out because he really got wasted, Alex was sketching something in his notebook, and Luke and Maya were having a quiet conversation in the corner of the room. On that topic, I kind of get the feeling that they’re going to break up soon. Maya keeps talking about guys she flirts with when she’s with her other friends and he doesn’t even care, which is weird because Luke is usually a jealous person. It just shows how non-committed they are, and I don’t think it will be long before someone new catches her eye. I don’t want them to break up, because then it will be weird for me to be friends with my best friend’s ex, but also because Luke will go back to sleeping around, and he won’t have one singular person to rely on anymore. You know, I wish that could be me- but like I said, Luke’s desires are far too carnal for that. 

Speaking of sex, I discovered something when I got home today. There was a strange car in the driveway, which okay, it was the 4th, so my dad might’ve had people over, but then I went inside and found a random purse sitting on the kitchen table, so I went upstairs and my parent’s bedroom door was closed, but I could hear a woman snoring. I guess what I’m saying is I think my dad is cheating on my mom, and since she’s out of town, he brought someone to our house. My parents fight a lot anyway, so I guess it’s not surprising, but it’s still disappointing. I don’t think I’m going to tell my mom. It will just make the conflict worse and then my dad would be mad at me. I prefer to stay out of it. 

Long story short, it’s nice to have a family in your friends when you don’t have a real family. Bye for now. 


	7. July '94, Part 2

Life Update 7- July ‘94

It’s been bad lately. 

Oh my god. 

So fucking bad. 

I don’t even know how to describe what’s all happened since my mom got back from AZ. First of all, Emmett came back prattling about a girl he met down there and how he was going to miss her so much. And it was cute for about two seconds but then all he could talk about was Ella this and Ella that. So I was already a little annoyed. But anyway, everyone was getting settled back into the house, and my parents were in that “we haven’t seen each other in months so we like each other again” stage. I feel like I would appreciate it more if I knew it was going to last, but it never does. It just feels superficial. Anyways my dad was even talking about going out to eat at a nice restaurant as a family, so I went upstairs to get dressed and ready. And then everything went to shit. 

Basically my mom found a pair of underwear underneath the bed that wasn’t hers. They must have belonged to the woman that my dad had here over the 4th. So she confronted him about it, and what could he say to that really? The evidence was there plain and clear. So there I was, all ready to go out to eat, ready to just relax into a good spell with my family, and then the yelling started coming from the bedroom. That’s the one thing about my parents. When they’re upset, they are so loud about it. My mom has this very shrill, commanding voice, and my dad is very raspy and gruff. So anyway, I went to see what was going on, because they weren’t supposed to be fighting yet. That was a bad decision. It was stupid of me to even leave my room. 

I asked what the matter was, and my mother whipped around and held the underwear up and asked me if I knew about it. Well, I tried to lie. I tried to say I didn’t, but my mom is shrewd. She knew that I knew. My dad looked very helpless and overwhelmed, as if he hadn’t brought it on himself. Then my mom turned to him and started going on a rant about how she'd put up with a lot since they got married, his issues with alcohol and stuff, how he’s always needy and never deals with shit properly, you know, the usual. But I guess this turned a new page for them, because she got up in his face and said the only reason she stayed with him was because he had a well paying job, and because of Emmett. I tried to ignore the fact that she hadn’t mentioned me. So I just stood there rather awkwardly as she yelled at him, because I didn’t feel like I had permission to leave. And I guess I didn’t, because then my mom turned on me, because how dare I know that my father was a cheat and not tell her, and how dare I not be as perfect as my brother, and how dare I be soft and weak and not assertive, and how dare I not have an ambition beyond my stupid rock band, and how dare I this and how dare I that. “I haven’t seen any personal improvement in you over this summer, Reginald. I’ve only been back for a day and you’re just as unorganized and without direction as ever.” ….shit like that. My dad kinda just stood there and nodded along. Funny how the only thing they can unite over is mutual dislike of me. I’m their fucking kid. 

It all escalated from there. I tried to respond. I tried to tell my mom that I didn’t tell her because I didn’t want to hurt her, I didn’t want another fight. And she just said that was exactly the problem. I was too afraid. “Sometimes things are going to happen in life that you’re going to have to deal with and confront, and you’re not going to be a fucking pushover, Reggie. That’s what you fucking are! A fucking pushover,” she said. And then I looked her in the eye and said, “At least I’m kind.” Well, that pissed her off even more. So she yelled a bunch of other things about how I was a failure, and about how my dad was a failure, and I didn’t really want to hear it anymore. So I turned around to leave, but she grabbed me by the wrist, so hard it hurt, and she pulled me back, and she slapped me across the face and said something about listening to her while she spoke, and how it was disrespectful to walk out when she was talking because “I am your fucking mother. I deserve your respect”. I just nodded and tried to force myself to not cry. Then she finished her little speech about how I’m a bad son and let go and told me to get out of their room. 

So I did. I went back and sat on my bed and thought about it. It’s hard because my parents are right. I am soft and I am directionless and I’m nothing like Emmett and I just want them to be proud of me. And then I remembered that they would never be proud of me and I started crying because we were supposed to be sitting in a booth eating breadsticks and laughing and instead my cheek stung and they would  _ never _ be proud of me. And then I heard a loud bang and more shouting and it was all too much and I just had to get out. So I found my backpack and threw some clothes and notebooks in it and got on my bike. I went to Luke’s because it’s the closest. The sun was just starting to set. It would’ve been prettier if I hadn’t been looking through tears. Anyway I made it to Luke’s and ended up throwing a pebble at his window because I didn’t want to bother his parents, and he came down and let me in and asked what was the matter, and I said things got ugly at home and he just kind of nodded and invited me up to his room. 

I noticed immediately that Luke seemed down too, but I knew he wasn’t going to mention it. He gets pretty angry when it comes to my parents and their fights, and he always throws himself into making sure that I’m okay and acts like his problems don’t even exist. I mean, I told you about how he was when Alex came out to his parents. Sometimes I wonder if he’s ever gotten like that about me. I kind of wish he wouldn’t. It’s nice to know he cares, but I can handle myself. It’s nothing out of the ordinary for me- not like when Alex lost his close relationships with his family. I’ve never  _ been _ close with my folks. Luke just told me I could stay the night and that the extra toothbrush was where it always was and there was no way I was taking the floor, so don’t even offer. So I got settled in and then I sat down on the bed (I always take the left side for some reason) and Luke came back with some extra blankets and some VCRs and his parents' shitty portable TV from their camper. “We can watch Star Wars,” he offered. And that sounded pretty nice, to be honest. So we made our little blanket fort on the floor like old times and Luke got all the wires hooked together and then we had to rewind the tape. And it was then that he asked me what had happened. And I said I didn’t really want to talk about it, that it was the same old same old. And he just kind of nodded along like he wasn’t convinced, and then I asked him why he looked so mopey, and he said that Maya had broken up with him. And I told him I was sorry and asked him how he was, and he said he was okay, because he knew it was coming, but it still sucked. I guess I can relate to that. That was about how I felt with my family. 

And then A New Hope played but I didn’t pay attention to half of it because Luke and I ended up talking and joking with each other through most of the movie, and then at the end when the credits rolled he just ruffled my hair and asked if I wanted to watch The Empire Strikes Back or if I wanted to go to bed. I said I’d rather just lay in the blankets and talk for awhile. He seemed to get it. So we did. We turned all the lights off until the only light was from the streetlight outside his window, and we talked. We talked about the band, and the future of the band. We talked about the songs Luke was writing. We talked about old childhood memories in the blanket forts. We talked about the first concert we ever went to together. We talked about our first crushes, the first kisses we had. Luke briefly reminisced on his first sexual experience with a girl. The story is funny, so I’ll tell you. Her name was Cheyenne, and it was the summer before our sophomore year of high school. We were fifteen and stupid. Anyway, this girl, Cheyenne, was pretty good friends with us at the time. She was sixteen so she could drive. And she and Luke kind of liked each other. Anyway, she came and picked him up in her car and they went and got shakes together and sat in her car in this empty parking lot. Well, I think you can see where this goes next. They started flirting, and then they kissed, and then they moved to the backseat and things started getting interesting. The long and short of it is, Luke had really bad performance anxiety, and that quickly made it an awkward situation. It was embarrassing for him then, but as we all know, he obviously overcame that problem. We laugh about it now. But then the conversation turned and we started talking about Maya. I guess the silver lining to all of it is they broke up amicably and want to remain friends. Maya wanted more time from Luke, but he’s all music first, and she said that they’d been together so long that it needed to become more serious, or it needed to end before she got hurt. And Luke agreed with her, but in the “I don’t want this to be serious” way. And even though he’s okay with it, the loss still hurts, you know? So I offered him a hug. It was nice.

Then we both got sleepy so we got ready for bed. Luke really needed to wash his sheets. He mumbled something about how he was sorry my parents sucked and then he said something I think I’ll always remember. “I’m so glad we have each other, Reg. You’re always there for me when no one else is, like even when your life sucks, you have my back. A lot of people wouldn’t, so. You know. Thank you.” And then he scooted over so our arms were touching, and he let my head lay on his shoulder. And then I fell asleep. 

When I woke up the next morning, we were sleeping back to back. I looked out the window and saw the blue sky and felt a lot of hope for the new day. It’s probably weird to say this, but Luke feels like coming home. It felt nice to have him say that I was special to him. And his house always feels so safe. So in some ways, 

It’s been good lately. 

Oh my god. 

So fucking good. 


	8. August '94

Life Update 8- August ‘94

Things have been looking up lately, and I actually do mean that. I’ve been hanging out with lots of people recently, meeting other bands in the scene at shows. There’s some really cool dudes who have these insanely interesting projects- ska groups with accordions and grunge bands with killer lyrics. And then there’s all the girls too, the ones that do chick rock and could probably knock me out if they wanted to- the nonchalant Joan Jett types. And because things haven’t been too weird with Luke and Maya breaking up, we hang out sometimes. She’s casually dating another guy named Dusty now. I don’t really like him very much- he surfs and reads political theory and thinks he’s intellectually superior to everyone, including Maya. I don’t think he ever listens to her, you know? But at least she’s happy, or something, even though I think she deserves better. Luke was better, but maybe that was the problem. Maybe “better” requires more, asks more. And maybe sometimes we don’t think we deserve better.

But I really do mean that things are good. The band’s gigs have been going well, and people are starting to remember our name. Now, we’re the ones getting contacted by festivals and clubs to play shows, not the other way around. The other day Luke got a call from a local magazine asking if Sunset Curve wanted to be featured in the “up and coming” bands section of the article, and if he would give a little interview. Luke was  _ elated _ . The guy asked him a few questions about our project and admitted that he was a fan and said we were to expect the interview and the plug to appear in their next issue. It feels like we’re constantly climbing. And it’s a little big sometimes, but it’s also the most exciting thing I’ve ever been a part of. 

I also think I’m starting to figure out Bobby a bit more. Last weekend, we got together, just the two of us, at the studio. Recently, he’s been on a bit of a new age kick. By that I mean he read a couple books about connecting with your inner spirit and some stuff about reincarnation which totally changed his life perspective. I don’t know. All of that stuff I find really confusing. Luke calls it hippie shit, Alex jokes about how he’s dabbling with the occult, and I simply don’t know. But we were hanging out, and Bobby just started talking about how he was thinking about becoming a vegetarian because he felt it was right to respect the animals around us as equal beings. He also said that his mom had been into holistic medicine and things like oils and crystals back when she was a teenager, so she had lots of knowledge in all of those areas. I asked him why all of this stuff was such a big deal to him, and he said it’s because whenever he mediates or drops acid, he has a spiritual experience, or feels more centered in himself. That still didn’t really answer my real question, which was about why he used drugs how he did, but I never got around to asking because he suggested we go to the store and pick up a tub of ice cream and then get high together. And maybe this is hypocritical of me but I actually enjoy getting high with Bobby. We usually just end up shooting the breeze because everything is ten times funnier and eating whatever food we can find and playing our instruments together because the pot kind of enhances the musical experience. So we did. We smoked a joint together and ate our shitty Neapolitan ice cream and then we just kind of sat up in the loft and talked about all kinds of stupid stuff. And then it got late so I just decided to crash in the studio instead of going home and I wrote some shitty poetry.

The next day Bobby suggested we go for a drive, so we borrowed his parents’ van and went out of the city. And I guess we were both in a contemplative mood, so he started asking me about how I was doing, with my family and all. For some reason, I find it easier to talk to Bobby about this stuff than Luke or Alex. I think it’s because Luke and Alex care so much, and it would hurt them to know how bad it can get sometimes. But Bobby isn’t like that. We haven’t been best friends since kindergarten. He doesn’t act like my problems are a big deal, or that they need to be fixed. Sometimes Luke just doesn’t understand that I can handle myself. Bobby gets it. And we both have brothers to live up to. So when I talk about Emmett’s newest opportunity, or my mother’s latest “shit hemorrhage” (that’s what we call it when she goes batshit insane and screams a lot), or my dad’s general incompetence, Bobby just nods along. We stopped at a gas station and got some chips and Coke. And since I’d talked about my family, I asked him about his. Bobby’s home situation is for most intents and purposes fine. His mom is a sales associate for a tech company and his dad works in management, which means that they are generally boring people raising their 2.5 kids in a suburban neighborhood. They are very supportive of Bobby, I mean they basically gave us the garage for the band, but they’re also never really… around, so to speak. I think sometimes he feels bad for feeling unloved because me and Alex have it objectively worse, but, I don’t know. I still get it, you know? Someone says they support you and care about you but they never listen to you, and they’re just doing it because it’s their duty. There’s no natural affection, it’s forced. So I guess I can see why Bobby would gravitate towards “hippie shit”- because his mom cares about it and wants to do it with him. So we talked a little more about that. And then I asked him why he gets high so much. I guess I’ve been wanting to know the reason for a while. 

Bobby gets high because it helps him feel something. 

It’s interesting when a numbing agent is actually a feeling agent. That’s the interesting thing about it. Bobby’s pain isn’t drastic, it’s just kinda there. He says it’s like a fog is constantly hanging over him and he doesn’t know why. Everything he does feels empty, and he tries his best to hide it, but I guess all that has to go somewhere. And Bobby said the first time we all smoked weed together, he felt like he was riding a wave, and the water was drowning out the pain. So he just kept doing it. And he says it helps him. You know, I’m not totally convinced it does. I mean sure, maybe in the moment, but it’s like how Luke will fuck a girl and still have to go apologize to his mom, or like how Alex will work his ass off to get a good grade on a test only to find that it doesn’t matter anymore because his parents disapprove of him anyway. It feels good for a moment, but does it really do anything? I don’t think it does.

The thing about Bobby is that he doesn’t want to stop. He did weed so then he dropped acid so then he tripped on molly. What’s next? Not to sound like a paranoid middle aged mom, but I worry about him. So… I asked him about that too. And he said he could stop at any time if he wanted to, so he’s not addicted. That’s what my dad used to say about alcohol. 

But I swear things are looking up. It’s time for senior year soon, the band is taking off, who knows where else we can go. And Bobby’s fun to get high with, so it doesn’t really matter, right? And Maya knows she’s smarter than her boyfriend, so it doesn’t matter that he treats her like shit, right? And Luke has a high sex drive, so it shouldn’t hurt so bad when I see him with girls after our gigs, right? And there’s a future for us, so it shouldn’t matter that Alex is stuck with his bigoted family, right?

Things are looking up. Right?


	9. October '94

Life Update 9- October ‘94

Well, there’s been a lot going on recently. First I would like to announce that Maya finally got a clue and dumped Dusty. He really was an asshole. And now she’s just trying being single for a while. She decided that she wanted to take up a new skill, so she’s been learning photography. She found a used camera for cheap and got some books from the library about techniques. She asked Alex to volunteer as a model because she thinks he has interesting facial structure, and she’s getting the photos developed this week. We’re all pretty excited to see how they turned out. 

In other news, school has been hell as usual. And not in the “bad events are happening” way, but more just in “wow this shit is boring and I’m so ready to be done” way. I guess senioritis is a very real thing. We’re supposed to figure out which colleges we’re going to apply to, but I’m not applying to any. Neither is Luke, but his parents don’t know that yet. Alex is, though. He says he wants to have a backup if the band isn’t getting anywhere, and the thing is, he probably has the grades to get some nice scholarships. Bobby just plans on going to city college. If the band doesn’t work out, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’ve always been good with my hands, so I’m sure I could do manual labor, but it seems so soulless. I kind of feel like I was always meant for music, you know? 

But I don’t think I’ll have to worry too much about Sunset Curve failing, because we’ve finally been able to purchase some studio time to record a demo. We have plans to play four original songs- Now Or Never, Late Last Night, Lakeside Reflection, and In Your Starlight. Now or Never is this really fast paced song, and it kind of exemplifies Luke as a person, and the band, and kind of just what we’re about. Late Last Night is another rock song, but it has a really bright and summery edge to it and is about one of the first nights that we played a club and got piss drunk. Lakeside Reflection is more grungy, and kind of slower, and it was inspired by a trip Alex took with his parents. And In Your Starlight? Well, that one’s about Maya. Regardless, they’re all really solid songs, and if our shows are as good as people say they are, then… I just can’t see how we won’t make it. 

I’ve been thinking about numbing agents again. I know that was what started this whole diary in the first place, but. I’ve been thinking again, about how I can’t figure out what mine is. I mean, I’m all kinds of fucked up, I’ve got to have one. Maybe it kind of lays in what Alex always tells me- if I just talked about it, I’d feel better. I guess I do keep everything pretty bottled up, but it’s just. Why would I want to talk about it, when there are so many other things I could talk about, that actually make me happy, the other people around me happy? You can always entertain an audience with jokes. Tragedy has to be pretty. And mine just… isn’t. So I guess there might be some truth in what Alex says. 

Luke has been better lately, I think. Everything with Sunset Curve is getting so big, and he’s thrown himself into it. I don’t think he really has time to think about what all of it means. He comes over to my house sometimes, and he plays nice with my parents but I can just see that behind it all, he wants to scream at them. It’s funny how he has more anger towards them than I do. We sit in my room and fuck around with our instruments and write new melodies and basslines and I try to get him to appreciate the latest country and he rolls his eyes at me every time, and it’s nice. I’ve started to love to see that concentrated look on his face, when his eyebrows scrunch up and he bites his lip and then chews on his guitar pick before writing a new lyric. That means that he’s happy. And then we give each other shit and end up wrestling around on the floor and he laughs and it’s just really all I could ever want- my friend to be happy. And he still flirts with girls at our shows, but he’s not searching for sex anymore. So you know, there’s that. 

In the new school year, Alex has been a little less worried about grades. I mean yeah, he’s still pulling A’s in almost every class we have, and he’s still busting his ass, but I think he’s doing it for himself now. He knows it’s not going to mean anything to his family, but I think it does mean something to him. They talk about book smart and street smart- well, Alex has always been book smart. Bobby is too, if he wants to be. But me and Luke, well. Neither of us have ever been able to sit still long enough to pay attention in class- and I always wanted to, but Luke was always locked into a new idea, writing lyrics in class and coming up with melodies or thinking about the next business transaction he would ultimately be forced to do. He has a one track mind with Sunset Curve. Anyway, my point is, Alex likes it. He’s always talking about politics and gay rights, and I suppose I get it. All of that stuff affects him big time. You know, when he came out, Luke bought him that rainbow bracelet and actually took the time to read some gay history, even though he hates reading. Luke is just like that about his friends. But back to Alex. He still has his anxiety (I don’t really think that ever goes away), but at least he sees the light at the end of the tunnel. And if he gets a B on a test? Well, he’s still a little disappointed, but he’s okay. And that’s all he needs to be. Okay. 

And Bobby, well. I’m less sure about him. He always says he doesn’t need the drugs, but then he jokes about getting high alone in his room because he can’t sleep, or because he can’t stop thinking. Doing it alone is the key word there. So I wonder when it stops being “getting high” and starts becoming “using”, but he still shows up to band practice on time, and he’s still himself, and it’s just weed, so it’s fine. He’s been talking to another girl recently. Her name is Hailey. She’s shy and quiet and obsessed with the 1960s and is a classical pianist. She’s also into the new age stuff. She doesn’t hang out with us much, but I like her well enough I guess, and Bobby lights up whenever he talks about her, so it’s a win win. 

In other news, Emmett is showing increasing interest in going into the tech world, what with new things like the world wide web and the mobile phone. He’s always been a sciencey kid, so it shouldn’t surprise me, but it’s just one more reason for our parents to like him more than me. My parents themselves are going through a good patch right now. My dad ended it with that woman and made it up to my mom by buying her a fancy piece of jewelry and my mom’s been yelling less and seems to be less stressed and bitchy lately, even if she still makes comments about how I’m never going to make it anywhere in life if I don’t get my act together and stop being a pushover. It’s always seemed a bit backwards to me because whenever I do stand up for myself and stop being a “pushover”, she only yells at me more and then pretends like it’s my fault she has to be so mean. Whatever. The three of them can be their little happy family. I’m going to be in the most successful band of the 1990s. And I’m going to do it with my friends, who are more my family than my biological relatives will ever be. So that’s that.

Anyway, life just keeps going along. The demo recording is next week. Let’s hope it goes well. Bye for now.


	10. November '94

Life Update 10- November ‘94

It turns out that a lot can happen in a month. And this may be my last entry for awhile, because looking back, the whole purpose of this diary was to write about my friends and their problems, and how I felt about their problems, and I don’t really think I’m going to be doing that anymore. I guess I’ve also discovered some things about myself too- namely what my numbing agent is, and I guess there just won’t be a need for this stuff anymore, because Luke told me I have to take steps to help myself too. So if I do write, it’ll be when something big happens. If there’s one big takeaway that I have from all that’s happened, it’s that I need to throw myself into living. I need to actually be that guy from that song and live it like it’s now or never. Because I have this whole future ahead of me, and it’s there, and it’s so much bigger than me. So, dear imagined reader, that is that. 

All of this happened about a week ago. Remember in my last entry when I said things were going better with my parents? Yeah, that didn’t last. My dad fell right back into drinking a lot and yelling at my mom, and my mom fell right back into not doing a damn thing about it except screaming back, and it got so bad that she even yelled at Emmett, which  _ never _ happens. He looked so hurt and I felt bad but at the same time, he’s never defended me in the past. So I just stood there. Like I always do. So after school one day, I just decided that I wasn’t going to go home for awhile. Whenever I don’t come home for a couple days, my mom always acts like she’s worried sick about me, and like I’m the most horrible child for wanting independence, even though I’m less than a year away from legal adulthood. So, I left a note explaining where I was going, and then I went to my room and packed a nice bag and got my bass, and then Bobby gave me a ride in his van to his garage. I thought I’d stay there maybe a week, but. I’m back home now. The first couple days of being at the studio were honestly very nice. There’s an old queen mattress up in the loft, and a bathroom with this really great shower, I mean the water pressure is just amazing, and Bobby’s parents don’t have to put up with guests, or care, for that matter. Anyway, Bobby would come out to the studio after school and we’d sit around watching movies and playing our instruments and doing homework. We even got high once. I think he felt obligated to keep me company, which he really didn’t have to, as I don’t mind being alone, especially when he has people like Hailey to hang out with. But whatever the case, we had our mandatory weekly band practice and that’s when Luke and Alex realized I was staying at the studio and Alex flattened his lips and Luke’s face got all crunched up and he asked what they’d done this time. And I just said it was nothing big, because it really wasn’t, but I knew he didn’t believe me. On that note, I’d also like to say that band practices have been going very well. The demo recording was successful and now we have CDs to give to anyone who might want them! It is really cool. 

Anyway, a couple days after practice, I was just minding my business. It was a Friday night, which meant that there was probably something interesting going on, but I couldn’t be bothered to search anything out, and we didn’t have a gig. Bobby was going on a date with Hailey, which probably meant that they were going to get high together and fuck in the back of the van. And I didn’t really want to think about that. So, instead I just decided to play guitar and fuck around with some new song ideas I had. Luke always yells at me for leaving them in his notebook, but I think country is a great genre. It just seems like such a nice life to live- quiet on the farm in a small town with a pretty girl and a badass horse. I was just getting to work on  _ Falling In Love In a Field _ when I heard the door open. And I wasn’t expecting Bobby to be back for a while, so I peeked over the loft railing to see who it was. Luke was standing there, his guitar on his back and a duffel bag in his hand. Immediately I felt my heart drop. Luke never comes to the studio late at night alone unless he’s fought with his mom. And with the way his face was twisted up and angry, and with the way there were tear tracks on his cheeks, I just knew it had been a bad one.

See, the thing about Luke and his parents fighting is that it isn’t out of a lack of care from both sides. In fact, sometimes Luke will say that his mom cares too much. With my family, it’s a constant, it’s how it’s always been. Alex calls it a “textbook dysfunctional family”. But with Luke, it’s not like that. Mitch is a very kind man with this freakishly obsessive interest in history, and Emily always had fresh cookies for us when we got home from school as kids. Luke confides in his parents about things, and they give him advice, and when his parents have bad days, he gives them hugs. They really love one another, like families are supposed to. Ever since we started Sunset Curve though, there have been issues. At first the band was something the Pattersons supported as a fun and constructive hobby, especially since Luke was such an “active” kid. But as soon as it got bigger and we actually got good, and as soon as it became clear that Luke cared about Sunset Curve more than school, their support quickly became passive aggressive comments about how there were better, more important things to be doing than playing in a silly rock band. And Luke isn’t very good about keeping his mouth shut, especially when it comes to his passions. It’s one of the things I love about him, but it gets him in trouble too. So the Pattersons are in a “rough patch” right now. And it has been very difficult, for all of us. Mitch and Emily are almost like second parents to me.

So when I saw Luke standing there, I just  _ knew _ . So I got up and went down the ladder, and it seemed like Luke had kind of forgotten that I was staying at the studio, because he did a double take when he saw me, and then he said “Oh, thank god you’re here Reg”, and all I could think of was how much it would’ve hurt him to be alone, and how glad I was that I was staying at the studio. So I asked if he was okay, and he responded very honestly. He said, “Not right now, but I will be”. And I’ve never understood something more in my entire life. So I told him that I got it and asked him if he wanted to stay the night with me. And he said yes. So I took his guitar from him and carried it up to the loft, and he crawled up with his little duffel and tossed it in the corner and took off his sweatshirt because “it’s fucking hot in here”, and once he got settled in, I decided to ask him what happened. 

So we sat down on the mattress, and he told me. Remember when I said Luke wasn’t applying to any colleges, but he hadn’t told his parents? Well, the long and short of it is that they found out. Now, his parents knew that Luke’s grades and SATs would never be good enough to go to anything other than a subpar state school, but they still expected him to go, you know? I don’t think Luke has planned to go to college since he was maybe 13, but the band was always a big what if, so, he never told his parents that he wasn’t going. Plus I don’t think he wanted to make a big stink. But he told me everything. It was the week to send in applications for early action, so Emily asked him where he had applied, and if he had all his financial aid stuff in order. And Luke knew she was going to be upset with him, so he sat her down at the kitchen table and tried to explain it all proper. He told his mom about the demo and how we’d heard good things about it from the few music industry people who had listened. He told her about the possibility that we could be touring by next summer. He told her about the process towards getting a record deal, and about how college just wasn’t going to be feasible. He told her how he had other plans, and that college wasn’t his dream. But of course, at a point, they weren’t sitting at the kitchen table anymore, they were standing in the living room, screaming at each other. Luke said that his mom was crying through her shouts, and that it hurt to watch, but he couldn’t turn back on what he’d committed to do. I’m sure that he was crying too. And eventually, he said, it got so bad that his mom lamented her own ability to raise children in front of him, saying that she’d “fucked it all up”. Emily  _ never _ swears. And I’m sure that would feel pretty shit, to hear your mom bash on herself because of how you turned out. Luke looked really hurt by that. I know all he’s ever wanted was to make his parents proud. But anyway, he said it just kept getting worse. He told me that he said some pretty mean things to her in return, but he wouldn’t tell me what they were. He seemed ashamed. And eventually it got bad enough that he announced he was going to the studio for the night, and his mom slumped into a chair and just cried more, and he grabbed some stuff and got on his bike and came here. And there he was, sitting next to me, fresh tears in his eyes, a wobble in his voice, and he just looked so  _ broken _ . 

See the thing is, Luke isn’t allowed to break. He’s the strong one, you know? Alex is always so worried and Bobby is wishy washy and I’m me, so. Luke has always been the rock, the driven one, and confident one. He’s the leader. But it isn’t just that, it isn’t just the band. He can’t break because he’s my friend, and I need him. I need him so fucking much it hurts, kind of like how I need the others, and I can’t lose them to sex or drugs or perfectionism or whatever the fuck someone might use to hide next. And maybe hiding in things keeps people from breaking sooner, but it still means that they’re cracked. And Luke  _ can’t be _ . I need him. 

So I talked to him, and I told him that I was sorry, and that it all sucked, and that I wish his mom was more understanding, and that I wish it were all easier than it was. And he looked at me with the widest eyes I’ve ever seen and I knew that he was clinging to every word, that I was saying what he needed to hear. Luke looked exhausted, so I asked him if he wanted to get cozy with a blanket and turn off the big lights. He was cold from crying, so I found his sweatshirt and gave it to him, and I made our little blanket fort in the mattress, and it all felt so sadly ironic, because that’s our thing. And so we crawled into the blanket fort, and he lay his head on my shoulder, and I could feel a tear drip down and soak through my shirt. Our legs got all tangled in the blankets, and I could feel Luke’s breath. It was very shaky and shuddery and full of hurt and I just couldn’t bear to not hug him anymore. I just wanted Luke to let me hold him, let me be the one to carry his pain for a while. So I readjusted us in the blankets so that his head was against my chest, and he was laying half on top of me. And I just clung to him and pet his hair and told him it was going to be okay. And his arms linked around my ribs and I could feel his fingers on my back, and his grip was so tight it almost hurt. But it didn’t matter. I was holding him. 

We stayed like that for a while, and eventually he calmed down and climbed off of me and went searching in his duffel bag for some sweatpants to get more comfortable. He started joking about how he was turning into Alex with how much he was crying lately, and I just laughed along because it was a bit funny, all things considered. And then Luke grabbed his guitar and motioned for me to get mine where I’d left it against the wall. 

“Let’s play some music, Reggie,” he said. 

And I get it. If there’s one thing that makes us all feel better, it’s music. I showed him  _ Falling In Love In a Field _ and he just laughed and said I should save it for when the band unexpectedly breaks up in twenty years and we all start solo acts. And then he got his guitar all tuned up and we jammed for a while. We played some Boston tunes and our own music, and Luke showed me a new riff he thought up, and I realized that this was what Luke was giving up everything secure for. Our music. It was a strange feeling to know that, to be there. His eyes were bright though, and he had his smirk back, and I knew that he was giving it all up for something great. Then after playing for some time, it was pretty late, so I went scrounging around for some chips since we were both hungry. I also found a couple warm Pepsis, which, ick, but that was all there was unless we wanted to drink the shitty tap water. So we sat on the floor with our sour cream and onion chips and our sodas and talked for awhile. I was happy to see that Luke seemed to be cheering up. We talked about Maya’s photography and current events and how we felt about Bobby dating Hailey and if we had plans for a Christmas party again this year. Luke just looked at me the whole time, like I was the most important person in the world, and I’ve always wanted to be that for him, and I could hardly meet his eyes. I guess I’ve always been afraid of being needed, even if that was all I wanted. 

When we finished eating, we decided to go to bed. It must have been past midnight at that point, and Luke had to have been tired from all the emotional whiplash. So we found our sides of the mattress and rearranged the covers and laid down so that we were facing each other. And with all the lights off except the light from the windows, it all just felt very quiet and centered, like we were the only people in the universe who mattered just then. Even though we were both tired, neither of us really seemed able to fall asleep. And I started to notice things. All of the cheer that Luke had gained back from talking and laughing earlier sort of slipped away, like it had just been a mask he was wearing, a temporary fix. I just knew he wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep, no matter how exhausted he was, because he was thinking about it, he was thinking about those awful things he said. And I thought, well, I knew, that touch was what made him feel better. It’s what made him stop thinking. So I intertwined our legs together, and put my arms around his ribs and pulled him closer to me, and then our foreheads were touching, and he just kind of sighed into it and put his hand on the back of my neck and let his fingers kind of sink into my hair. And there it was. He  _ needed _ that. He needed  _ me _ . 

It all felt very nice. There was almost this pull to try to sink deeper into it, like the relaxation of it would never stop becoming more fulfilling. And I guess I could see why Luke chases touch like he does. I could feel his breathing, it was a very steady thing, and it was all so close to me, and my brain just kind of became this fuzz. His hands felt so good in my hair and I would have been content to never leave that position. But as I lay there, I started to think. I realized that every time Luke sought out touch, it wasn’t like this. It wasn’t “oh, I’m going to have a cuddle with my best friend and let him hold me”. It was never like that if he had a choice. If he had a choice, he was outside of a club after a gig, flirting with a girl, picking her up, bringing her to a back room or the backseat of a car. He was always coming back with sex hair and a blotchy neck and wide eyes and a blissed out expression on his face and he would always laugh like whatever girl he’d fucked had blown his mind. And while cuddling is great, in fact I personally was very satisfied to lay there forever, it isn’t the same. It’s not as physical, it doesn’t have the same kind of release and satisfaction. If Luke had had his way, I was sure that he’d have chosen pleasure over comfort. Pleasure doesn’t require you to think. 

And as we lay there, I realized how close we were, close enough that I could feel Luke exhaling onto my cheeks. And I thought for a moment about how Luke looks when he kisses girls, and how he’s given over to it, how he loses himself in the way she touches him, how his lips form over and around hers. I thought about how he needed that, how it would make him forget, how I wished he could numb himself despite all of my thoughts to the contrary, because then at least he would be okay. Then I thought about his lips again, and how he always smirked when he got his way, and how he grinned when he was happy, and how when his face was resting his lips always looked soft and inviting. I really could see why all those girls melted when he flirted with them, why they would do anything he asked once he whispered in their ear. He was  _ beautiful _ . And he  _ needed _ to be touched.

I thought about how Luke’s lips might feel against mine, how I’d wanted to hold him to help him forget, but how every time he’d chosen those girls over me, and how this time there was no girl, and I was holding him, but he needed more. I would give him whatever he required. 

So I leaned in and kissed him. I probably should have thought further ahead, like maybe about the fact that Luke was straight as far as I knew and probably wouldn’t get the same satisfaction from me as he would with a girl, or maybe just about the fact that I was about to kiss my best friend with the intent of making him feel good  _ because  _ of me, but at the time I didn’t really think about that. All I could think about was that Luke needed something, and I was there to provide it. But anyway, I kissed him. His lips were how I imagined they’d be- soft and slightly chapped, but I didn’t get too much time to notice much else, because he pulled back, his eyes wide, and he just stared at me for a second, and I stared back, and then suddenly his hand was cupping around the back of my head and he was pulling me back in and kissing me again. For a moment I kind of forgot what to do, because I was so shocked. But then I remembered basic kissing etiquette and found a rhythm against his lips and put my hand in his hair. And this went on for a little bit of time. We kind of sat up and he sort of pulled me on top of him in a way. All I could think was thank god he’s into this, because this is exactly what he needs. But I don’t remember thinking much else because I kind of lost myself in it a bit. Luke is a very talented kisser, and I think he could rock pretty much anyone’s world if he wanted to. At a point, I could feel his tongue against mine, and I could tell he wanted to deepen it, and go further, with the way his hands were raking down my back. But then, everything stopped. He pulled back, and his face looked really confused but not in a bad way, and he was a little out of breath, and he just stared at me like he’d seen a ghost. 

“Reggie, what?” he said. “What the fuck is this? Not- not in a bad way, I just, if we’re going to keep going, I just have to know what this all means.” 

“I… I don’t know,” I replied. 

Luke’s eyebrows got all crunched up. “You don’t know? You’re the one who kissed me!” 

I didn’t really know what to say to him. “Well, I just thought, maybe you, well, I mean, I just thought you needed it.” 

Luke looked even more confused. I felt a pit form in my stomach. 

“What does that mean?” he asked. 

“Well, that’s what you do when you’re upset, you, you need touch, you’re always hooking up with girls when you have a bad time, and I just thought- well, it makes you feel better, or feel something that’s not shit, I guess I just figured you needed it, and I was here, so I decided- well- I decided… I don’t know.”

Luke looked… hurt? 

“Reggie, that doesn’t make sense.” 

And I guess it probably didn’t. So I explained it to him. I explained how I’d noticed that physical affection was important to him. I explained how I’d noticed the way he held onto Alex after that fight with his parents, and the way he held onto me the time after that. I told him about the show and that dark expression in his eyes and that first girl that he’d fucked in the back of a car and how I figured out that touch for him wasn’t just comforting in the hugs of friends, but also in the skin of strangers. And then I told him about how I noticed that every time he seemed down, he was throwing himself into flirting with girls, into attracting them to him, into persuading them to run off with him somewhere, and how I watched, and wished he wouldn’t. Luke just stared at me incredulously through all of this, like he hadn’t even considered it himself. And maybe he hadn’t. I continued. I told him about how happy I was when he started dating Maya, and how I was glad he had someone, even if I still wished he’d let me hold him sometimes. He gave me a funny look then. I told him how I was sad when they broke up, even if I knew it was the right thing, because he would just go back to hiding in sex, and I would have to watch. So tonight, when he came here, I held him, because I knew it was important, but I realized it wasn’t enough, it wouldn’t make him forget like sex would. So I decided to kiss him, because if he could numb himself in me, at least it would mean something because we were friends. And I explained how I noticed all the pain everyone was in, and I just wanted to make it go away, but everyone hid in things that never fixed them permanently, because we all had numbing agents, and I just couldn’t figure out mine, but it didn’t matter, because if I could help them just a little bit, I was happy. 

Luke just listened as I explained everything to him, all the little things I’d seen. When I finished talking, his face was all twisted up in a weird kind of hurt and anger, but he also looked… amazed? I don’t really know how to explain it. 

“God, your brain is some special kind of mixed up,” he said. 

And well. That hurt. But he wasn’t done talking. 

“Reg,” and his face was full of pity. “Do you even hear yourself?” 

“Yes?” I said, not at all confidently. 

“No! No you aren’t  _ fucking  _ hearing yourself!” he said passionately. “You just said that you kissed me, not because you wanted to, but because you thought it would make me feel better. You- you can’t just put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, Reggie! It’s, it’s not fair, not only because it’s not really what you want, but also because, well, you’re implying big things here. What am I supposed to do with all of this if you don’t mean it? You can’t do that. You can’t just make assumptions about what you think other people want and make decisions based on that. God, what if I hadn’t stopped…”

He paused for a moment. 

“I just don’t understand why you feel the need to fix everything,” he said, softer. “And, all this about numbing agents, I mean… I can’t really say you’re wrong. But what about you? You never talk when something’s bothering you. You keep it all locked away, and you don’t  _ let _ me help you. It’s just all a bit fucked for someone who would  _ make out with their best friend to help them feel better even though they didn’t want it for themselves _ .” 

And he said the last sentence in a very hurt tone. 

I felt very uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Luke, I didn’t realize that you didn’t want me to- I mean, I thought you were into it, so.”

Luke looked at me like I was stupid. “It isn’t that I didn’t want it! It’s that  _ you _ didn’t want it! Not for the right reasons, anyway! Reggie, you can’t sit there and observe all your friends like they’re fucking psych ward cases. You know things about me that I didn’t even know about me, I just, I just-”

He had started yelling. I felt so bad because I’d done the exact opposite of what I’d wanted to do, which was make him feel better, make him hurt less, and the real truth was that I had no idea why I was like this, and it just seemed like another thing to add to the list of my fuck ups. And I thought again about how I couldn’t tear my eyes away when I saw people hurting themselves, and I thought about how good it felt to let Luke kiss me, and it was all so confusing and messy and the only reason I was there in the first place was because I didn’t even feel welcomed in my own home and it was just all too much and he wouldn’t stop yelling and I didn’t know what to do. I’m usually good at controlling my emotions, but I don’t know. I guess I started to crack, because before I knew it my whole body was shaking and I felt a sob building in my chest, and I just burst into tears like a baby. 

Luke stopped yelling, and he started talking with a different kind of concern in his voice, and I felt arms around me. 

“Hey,  _ hey _ . Reggie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… hey, it’s okay. I’m not angry. Well, I am, but it isn’t really you I’m mad at. This is just all so much. C’mon man, it’s  _ okay _ .” 

I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I just couldn’t stop. It was like months of pent up emotions were all coming out at the same time, and I was crying so hard I felt like I was about to pass out. And I guess Luke really is a saint, because he just let me sob into his shoulder and held me steady, and all of it was kind of a blur because my head hurt so bad, and my throat was starting to get sore. You know when you cry so much that you start coughing, and your sobs are almost dry because you don’t have any more tears left? That’s where I was by the end. And Luke kind of just… held me. And in the moment all I could think of was how I wish it were the other way around, or how I wish that Luke hadn’t stopped, that he had continued to run his hands down my back and maybe finally grabbed at the hem of my shirt to pull it off. But now I’m kind of glad that neither of those things happened, because the conversation after I finished crying was one of the most important ones of my entire life. I mean really, it helped me figure out so many things. 

As I finally started to calm down, Luke looked at me with this exasperated fondness and worry and said, “My god Reggie, what am I going to do with you?”, and the fact that he wasn’t angry with me was such a relief that I started laughing through the tears. 

“I don’t know,” I replied. 

“I’m sorry for yelling,” he said. “I- I know that that bothers you.” 

“Yeah,” I said. “No, it’s fine, it’s not really about you. Well, it is. Well, I don’t know.” 

Luke just patted the bed next to him and said, “Do you want to talk about it? I mean, you probably really need to.” 

I just nodded and moved over to sit next to him, and he looked over at me. It was very inviting, and I thought about how he’d had such a bad night, but he was here for me, he was listening to me, and then I remembered when he’d thanked me that one night for being there for him even when my life was shit, and I realized that we were both self-sacrificial idiots, and for some reason that made me feel much better about telling him everything. 

“Luke, my brain. It’s. It’s so  _ loud _ . All the time. It’s like I can’t shut it off. There’s just so much pain, and I can’t. I can’t make it go away, no matter how hard I try.”

“Like your pain with your parents?” he said, his eyes wide.

“No. It’s not me, it’s everyone else. Like, my dad, right? I don’t really know all that he’s been through, but I know his father was a mean, mean man. Sometimes he makes jokes about how he saw his dad stab his mom with a serving fork in front of him, and how he had to drive her to the hospital. And then he just laughs and goes to the refrigerator and gets another bottle of beer and sits on the couch and gets wasted, and sometimes I wonder if he ever cries about it, you know? And he always says he’s not an alcoholic, but it’s like he hides in it. He tries to drown out his pain and it never works. My mom, she’s so afraid all the time, and I don’t think she knows she is. She flinches away from my dad when he yells at her drunk, she’s always trying to assert herself and control everything because my dad is useless. I’m convinced she hates me because she sees my dad in me. She thinks I’m useless too. And sometimes that scares me, because I don’t want to be like my dad. But it never stops with her. I can never be good enough. But Emmett is like her perfect child, and I just don’t get it. I don’t understand any of it, why she doesn’t love me. But it has to be because she’s hurting, right? It just never ends. They’re always fighting about something, and when it does clear up and get better, it never lasts. So I try to help them, right? I clean up after my dad, I try to please my mom, so they can have one area of their lives that doesn’t suck, but it never works. And Emmett- I know that kid’s hurting too, but he won’t let me talk to him, and I just can’t even bring myself to even like him, because he’s so rude to everybody. He reminds me of my mom. 

“And then there’s Alex, and I remember when we first became friends with him, and you gave him so much shit for how much he cared about his grades. And he’s always been book smart, you know, but he isn’t like Bobby about it. Bobby just kind of coasts and reads whatever he wants because he finds it interesting, but Alex had this pressure with it, right? And if he didn’t do great on a test, we’d find him in the bathroom freaking out? I mean, you were there. I just remember wondering why it mattered so much to him, and then there was one day I was over at his house, we were probably about thirteen, I don’t know. And I realized it was all because of his parents. They’re a good Catholic middle class family, and they have high expectations for Alex and Katie, and then when he told us he was gay it kind of all clicked. If he could be the perfect child, be everything his parents wanted him to be, maybe they wouldn’t be able to blame him as much for his sexuality. He doesn’t think highly of himself sometimes, and it just makes me so sad, because he’s Alex, you know? He’s great, and he’s my friend, and I just wish he could see himself how I see him. And I just, I hate his parents for being so shitty to him, and I see how he hurts when he remembers he can’t ask his dad for advice anymore, and it just seems like things will never get better for people like him, and I just. I can’t. 

“And with Bobby, he hides it all in drugs, it’s his way of coping with his pain. He said so himself. And I’m just afraid that one day he won’t be able to stop, and his entire life will be defined by when he’s high and when he’s not. So he numbs himself in the weed and the LSD and whatever else he uses, and it never fucking fixes him. It never does, and he’s still in pain, and it seems like no matter what people use to numb themselves, it never fucking  _ works _ ! Everyone is hurting all the time, and I guess that brings me to you, because I know you’re hurting too, and I just want to make it so you don’t hurt anymore! God, Luke, I would do  _ anything _ to make it so you don’t hurt anymore. Because if everyone has to be in pain all the time, what am I if not available to help?”

And I felt fresh tears prick at my eyes. 

Luke didn’t say anything for a minute, but he was thinking very loudly. 

“Remember how earlier, you said that you couldn’t figure out what your ‘numbing agent’ was?”

I nodded. 

“Reg, I think… I think you numb yourself doing exactly what you’re doing right now. Every time,  _ every time,  _ that I’ve asked you if you were okay, you’ve flipped it back to me, and asked me how I was doing, and gave me a shoulder to cry on. And I appreciate it so, so much. You’re a great friend. But maybe, just maybe, you hide in other people’s pain to forget your own.”

I didn’t know what to say. 

“This might be an assumption, but it’s just. It’s like you said. You see so much pain. And maybe you think yours will hurt less if you can fix your friends’,” he continued.

He was right. He was completely, totally, undeniably right. I hadn’t thought of it like that before. But like I said, it’s hard to figure out when you’re yourself. 

“You’re also all I have,” I said. 

Luke asked what I meant by that. 

“You’re the one person who’s always been there for me. And if you’re hurting… if that went too far… I just don’t know what I’d do without you.”

His eyes looked sad.

“You know I’m okay, right?” 

“What?”

Luke just smiled. There was an edge of pity to it. “I have so much to live for, Reg. Things with my parents suck right now, and I know that it probably doesn’t seem like I can handle it sometimes, but I know what I’m doing. You don’t have to worry about me like that.” 

“You’re probably right,” I said. “And I know. That you can handle yourself. But sometimes I just. I can’t stop trying to fix you. Because I really do need you so much.” 

Luke’s face had this weird kind of hope on it. 

“And the others?” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” I said. 

“Do you need them too?” he said. 

“Yeah, of course I do,” I said. “They’re my friends. And that’s why I try to help them too, I think. But-” I trailed off.

“But? But what?” 

“But you’re different. You’re my best friend.” 

Luke’s face softened, and he put his arms around me again. He let his fingers trail up my neck into my hair and planted a kiss on my head. I was very comfy. 

“How do I fix myself, Luke?” I mumbled into his shirt. “How do I get it to stop?”

“I don’t know, man. I really don’t know,” he sighed. 

I don’t know why I expected him to have all the answers. Maybe it was because Luke seems so sure all the time. 

“But, I worry about them too, Reg,” he admitted. “That night when Alex came out to his parents, it was like the whole world had crashed down around us, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I felt so helpless. And with Bobby, it’s hard. Because you’re right, he does get high way more than the rest of us. But this isn’t going to last forever. We have some of the best years of our lives ahead of us. There isn’t going to be this pain forever. So I might worry about them, but honestly, I worry the most about you. Because you’re so in your head all the time. Reggie, you gotta get out of your head. You gotta talk about some of this stuff with us. We have this whole future in front of us, and you’re going to miss it if you never actually  _ live. _ You have to do something for yourself. Do something you want to do. Your value to me, or Alex, or Bobby, or Maya, or anyone else- it doesn’t lie in how much you do for us, or, or, doing what we want to do because you know it will make us happy. It- Reggie, it hurt more to know you kissed me for me, not for you, than it would have hurt to not have that ‘numbing agent’, or whatever. Because if you don’t want it, if you’re just doing it because you think I need it or something, you’re basically just letting me use you. And that’s a shitty feeling, man. I don’t want to use you! I want you to tell me what you want, too. And I’m sure the others would say the same. You aren’t going to turn into an arrogant dick if you do one thing for yourself. You have to be independent, dude. You should make decisions because of yourself, too. Not to match what other people want.”

I wondered what I wanted for a moment. The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t have an idea of what I wanted for myself. Everything I wanted had to do with what other people wanted. And I knew that wasn’t bad, exactly. Because Luke was right, I tried to be a good friend, and I really did care about everyone. But I also realized that I should want  _ something _ . So I just nodded and told him that I would try. He kept slowly drawing circles on my back. At that point, I felt a lot less weighed down. I guess I hadn’t realized that I had been carrying so much. But I felt free in a way, and I realized that Luke was never going to leave me. We were stuck together, two peas in a pod, bandmates, best friends. It felt nice to depend on him just because he was Luke, and not because I had done something for him. Then I thought about the kiss, and how hurt Luke had seemed when he realized why I’d done it, and how he’d implied that he had wanted it, how he’d kissed me back. And I let myself  _ really _ think about it for the first time. He  _ kissed _ me back. 

“Luke… you kissed me back,” I said. It was kind of out of nowhere. I probably sounded very dumb. “Oh my god. You kissed me back. But I’m  _ me. _ Luke…” 

I trailed off. He let go of me and looked at me with some mixture of amusement and annoyance. 

“Yeah, I kissed you back,” he replied. “But. For what it’s worth. You aren’t like any of those random girls I’ve hooked up with. I- I wouldn’t use you like that. I really do care about you. A lot. And I kissed you back because I wanted to, because I- well. You’re so important to me, I thought you also had feelings. For me. Because I do. Have feelings for you. I think. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to say it back or anything, because I know why you did it now. And like I said. It wouldn’t mean anything if you didn’t want it for yourself.”

I nodded. “Okay. Yeah, that… that makes sense.” 

I didn’t really know what to say. Never in a million years did I expect Luke to have feelings for me. In some ways, it explained a lot of things. I must have looked pretty taken aback, because Luke started rambling, all nervous and unlike himself.

“I just. I hope this doesn’t make things awkward or anything, especially since we did kiss and stuff. It really is okay that you don’t feel the same way. It’s not a big deal, I never expected you to, I mean you aren’t into guys, I wasn’t even planning to ever tell you, I only figured it out a little bit ago myself, and being best friends? That’s, that’s good dude. It’s amazing being your friend, really. I’m not going to be really sad that you don’t or anything, you know. I just, I kind of had this realization a while back that I always wanted to be around you, and I didn’t think friends were like that, and I just. Every time we played music together, I started feeling all shaky around you, and you’re just a good looking guy anyways, and I don’t know, I guess awhile after Maya and I broke up I just kind of figured it out. So it’s new for me too, it’s not like I can’t get over it or anything, as long as you’re my friend, Reggie. You’re my best friend, and it’s like you said earlier-“

But I didn’t let Luke finish his ramble. This is the gist of it: I’ve never been “quick on the uptake”, so to speak. It’s something Luke always makes fun of me for; he always tells me I’m so lucky I can play bass. And I never hear the end of it from Alex. So, yeah, I am dense. Especially about romance. I’ve always had a hard time telling when a girl liked me, or when I liked them. The first time a girl flirted with me in eighth grade, I about had a stroke. The first time I had an actual crush on one, I didn’t know what was going on. All I could think about was her, and Luke had to explain to me what that meant. It was so embarrassing. Now, I’ve gotten a lot better since then, at least I like to think so. I’ve become pretty good at flirting, and girls always think I’m cute or dorky or whatever, but real, honest-to-god feelings? I’m still not very good at those. So Luke was sitting there telling me about how he realized he wanted to be around me all the time, and he thought I was attractive, and this and that, and I thought back to all the times I’d just wanted to hold him, and how he felt like coming home, and how I always felt like a knife was twisting in my stomach whenever I saw him make out with a girl, and how it wasn’t even a question that I should kiss him, because that’s what friends are for, right? But that is very much not what friends are for, at least, not when you want them to keep going, not when you get those swoopy feelings in your gut thinking about how their lips felt on yours, not when you’re sitting there listening to them confess that they like you and you don’t want them to stop saying it. It was like a lightbulb moment, where suddenly all of my emotions from the past months made sense, because I really  _ liked _ Luke, didn’t I? And I really wanted him to stop going on about how it was okay that I didn’t feel the same way, because I did, and not just because he wanted me to. And he looked so beautiful, and he was my best friend in every sense of the word. So I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him down and kissed him. 

Luke didn’t kiss me back. Instead, he pulled away very harshly and fixed me with an upset stare.

“Dude, what the fuck? I just said to not feel bad because you don’t-”

But he had been right all along, hadn’t he? I had to start making choices for myself, I had to take the steps to start fixing my fucked up head. And this was something I wanted for myself. So I cut him off.

“Luke, shut up,” I said. “ _ Shut up _ !”

He looked surprised. 

“That wasn’t me being a dumbass again. I swear. I- I wanted to do that. Like you were saying. I did that because I wanted it for me, this time. Because I really did like kissing you even if I didn’t realize why, and I think I got it all mixed up in my head, you know. I mean, you know that I’m not the best with feelings, and I guess I just didn’t think I  _ could _ like you. I mean I’m not gay or anything, but you’re also my closest friend, and I think I just got all confused and dense about it like I always do, and- ugh. What I’m trying to say is- I think I have feelings for you too.”

Luke looked at me like he didn’t believe me, but I get it. Why would he when the first time I kissed him, it was out of some backwards ass need to fix everything? But then he smiled and said, “Really?” and I nodded and then he kissed me again. 

For anyone who is wondering what it is like to kiss Luke Patterson, let me just say one thing. He does it with his whole self. That’s really the only thing I can think of to describe it. We kissed for a couple minutes, but it was surprisingly innocent. It didn’t really feel like it was leading to something else, at least not yet. It was much more sweet and vulnerable because we knew how the other felt, since I wasn’t doing it to numb him, since he wasn’t doing it because he needed to escape. Then he pulled away, and looked at me with his eyes all wide. 

Then, we talked about it for a while. Luke wants to give it time. He said I was too important to lose, and he wants to be just friends for a little bit. And I could understand that. All of the feelings were so new, and I needed to think about them for a bit. I have been, actually. But he said the biggest reason was because I needed to take time to work on myself, to make sure that this was what I actually wanted. Luke always puts things in such a way that make sense, even if it’s a crazy, impulsive, terrible idea of his. I couldn’t do much else but agree. But he pressed one more kiss to my cheek and pulled me close, and he told me he loved me, and it was very intimate, and then we finally fell asleep. It was very late. 

So, it’s been a week. And I have been doing a lot of thinking. Here are some things I am sure of. 

One: I have a very fucked up way of looking at the world. And it’s not even in a bad way, it just is. It’s that need to constantly make everyone around me happy, it’s the way I notice the hurt everyone’s feeling and can’t keep it from hurting me too. I guess I never really thought about it until Luke pointed it out, and asked me what I wanted. So, I’ve been trying to think different. Not all problems are mine to solve, and how much people care about me isn’t dependent on how much I do for them. It isn’t easy, but I actually ended up talking to Maya about it a few days after, and she helped give me a new perspective too. She said that’s just what happens when people grow up and their families aren’t right and their parents don’t treat them how they should. She gave me a hug and told me she’d always be there for me and said it was fitting that Luke and I had, well,  _ something _ , now. I love her very much.

Two: Everything will be okay. That has always been my biggest fear, things not being okay. And I guess I saw all the pain around me as evidence that everyone wasn’t okay. And I still do have concerns for my friends. But Luke was right. Soon Alex will move out, and soon the band will be successful and Luke’s parents will be proud of him, and soon Bobby will have something more to look forward to than getting high, and maybe Maya will even meet a nice guy like Luke and fall in love with him, and he’ll love her back, and she won’t be screwed over anymore by dudes like Dusty. And I guess on top of it all, soon I won’t have to live in my sad house anymore, with my sad parents and my sad brother and their sad, angry ways of talking to each other, and soon maybe I will learn how to like myself a little more, too.

Three: I am very in love with Luke Patterson. We have been giving it time like we said, and we’ve slipped back into our normal friendship quite easily, but there’s something more to it this time. Some kind of promise at the end of the line. I spent some time thinking about it, making the emotions my own, and I have never been more sure of something in my entire life. He is my best friend, and I love him, and he looks at me like he knows me more than anyone else. And I just know that I am so, so important to him. And someday, I know he will ask me if I’m ready, and I will say yes, and he will kiss me again, and we will be the best couple in the entire world. And I thought about it a little more, and “the appeal of guys in an abstract sense” was actually just a fancy way of saying that I’ve found them attractive all along. I talked to Alex about it, and he told me about the word bisexual. It means you can be attracted to both men and women. And that fits me, I think. 

Four: I am so ready for what comes next. I’ve been doing that “getting out of my head” thing. And I’m starting to realize how truly amazing life is. I know I’m going to have bad days. I mean, even earlier, my parents had another fight. It was very loud and I just felt like shit all over again. But I’m starting to get the point of it. I want to live in the present. I’m so excited for all the experiences I’m going to have, for all the hope in front of me. So here’s to taking it one day at a time, and living life to its fullest. Because it really is so rad. 

So like I said, I’ll only be writing for big updates now. I guess I won’t need to chronicle everyone’s numbing agents anymore. I’ll be too busy living life and figuring it out. It’s been fun. But goodbye for now.


	11. July '95

Life Update 11- July ‘95

A lot of good things have happened since my last entry. Really great things. There’s been some shit too- Luke ran away from home, Alex’s parents have become more hostile towards him, and you know my life is never perfect. But we’ve been there for each other through all of it, and I think that’s what’s important. Besides, there’s been far more good than bad. 

The good is that we went on our first ever tour this summer! It was just around Southern California, but we still got to travel outside of LA and give our demo to lots of great people. Sunset Curve is really taking off. We all graduated high school, except Luke who dropped out when he ran away, and it felt nice to toss that little cap up in the air and say goodbye to childhood. Alex and I moved into Bobby’s garage with Luke full time, and it’s very nice to be out of that house, away from all the darkness. And Maya did meet a really nice guy. His name is Patrick, and he actually listens to her. They’ve been together since March. It’s great. 

Also, Luke and I kissed after a show a few weeks ago, and we both agreed we were ready now. And all I will say about that is that it’s everything I ever could have wanted. 

But the big news is that tomorrow, we’re playing the Orpheum. The  _ freaking _ Orpheum. There’s going to be tons of record execs in that audience, and we have a high chance of getting signed! There’s nowhere but up from here. And I am so, so ready. I’ll write again after the show with all the details! Goodbye for now!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! Again, kudos and comments are always appreciated! Tell your friends ;)  
> You can find me on tumblr @tiriansjewel.


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